When I Grow Up!

When I was little, there were several different things I remember wanting to be "when I grow up." Of course, after taking ballet, I wanted to be a ballerina. I remember wanting to be a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, probably because my Dad is a huge Cowboys fan. I remember playing "school" with my friends and wanting to be a teacher. I remember singing solos in church and talent shows as a young girl, and wanting to be a singer just like Patsy Cline.

And let me tell you about my hair styling skills........I could style my cabbage patch doll's hair like nobody's business and I thought that maybe I should grow up and be a "beautician", as it was called back then.

Then, of course, I went through the phase where I wanted to be a veterinarian. But, I only wanted to work on dogs and cats. Ha! I must have mentioned that to the counselor in high school, because they stuck me in an FFA class one year. I thought, what in the world am I doing here?! It reminds me of that scene in "Napoleon Dynamite" where he is at the milk judging competition. They really did show us how to do that in FFA class!

I remember when it got closer to senior year in high school, people started talking about what colleges they were going to go to. I hadn't even thought about it. Not even once. They were having a meeting for Lee College (a 2 year community college in my town) one day at school, and I thought, "Well, I'll just go there then." Why I hadn't even thought about it, I'll never know, because I was an honors student. I would've been considered "college material".

It was probably around that time that I started to picture myself as some type of career business woman. I thought I might work in a tall building in downtown Houston, wear business suits, glasses, and my hair up in some kind of sophisticated style. Then, when I started taking classes at Lee College, I decided I wanted to be a pharmacist. I don't even know where that idea came from!

Fast forward to chemistry class. Ugh! I could still make A's in chemistry, but hated it! It was time to transfer to The University of Houston (because I got a scholarship and it was close enough to home to commute) that I got the idea to be a social worker. At that time, they didn't offer an undergrad degree in social work, so my plan was just to get my degree in Sociology and then apply to The Graduate School of Social Work.

I did really well and graduated summa cum laude. That prompted my professor to tell me that if I would apply for this particular scholarship for the sociology master's program, he knew I would get it. So I did. It was about a month after I started graduate school that I thought to myself, "what in the world am I doing here and what is an M.A. in Sociology going to get me?" So, I dropped out.

At the time that I dropped out, I was already working full-time as a caseworker for the State of Texas, Department of Human Services, interviewing people in need of food stamps. That had to be the most stressful job, for the lowest pay possible, but I knew that going into it and it didn't matter to me, because I wanted to make a difference. No one else in my family seemed to look at it that way though. They didn't understand why I would work for $20K/yr with a college degree. So, I got a better paying job at a computer company, got married, started having kids, quit to stay home with them, and here I am.

One of the things I can see throughout my career journey is that I have never had purpose in anything I've done. I think if I had the relationship with the Lord back then that I have now, things would have been COMPLETELY different! It seems clear to me now that I was always just going through the motions, following whatever someone else was doing or what they thought I should do, and never once stopping to ask God what He made me to do. That is a realization that I am just starting to grasp........God created me for a very specific reason. But, I am not sure what that reason is because I have never really followed or figured out what my passions, talents, and gifts are that He gave me.

I think alot of times, society is geared this way. We are taught that making the best grades, being in the honor society, and getting awards and scholarships, or lots of money, is the most important thing. But, what happens along the way is that we don't stop to figure out what we are truly passionate about. In our quest for outperforming everyone else, we lose sight of who God made us to be, even when no reward is to be gained.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and I don't care what I want to be. I want to know and understand what God wants me to be, what He created me for, and why He put me here at this specific time and place!

I do know one thing. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to have kids and have a family. Just about everything I thought I wanted to be growing up, I've been in some form or fashion as a Mom! Dancer, cheerleader, teacher, singer, CEO, hair stylist, pharmacist, nurse, counselor.....you name the job description, and us Moms have probably done it at one time or another! For a long time, I was perfectly content to stay home forever, mostly because I forgot who I was (a child of the most high God!) and became too fearful to do anything else. But, I've been praying alot lately for the Holy Spirit to lead me where He wants me to be, and I can feel things changing. I can feel that there is something around the corner, something else I am supposed to do, and I am SO excited to see what it is!!!

Possibly, it might involve earning another degree? I have no idea, but I'm just going to keep praying and see where He leads me this time!