Kristin's Story

My story is one that I'm very proud of. It may not mean much to anyone else but me, but it's one that I can see was perfectly orchestrated by God from the very beginning. I'm not sure that anyone else will be interested in reading about it, but sometimes it helps me to reflect upon my life and the blessings I've had, so that I don't take them for granted.

When I was 9 months old, I learned what it meant to be loved. I met a beautiful angel who would later become my Mom and a strong, gentle man who would become my Dad. They were visiting their parents, and were asked to babysit me. They had tried for nine years to have a baby and had pretty much decided that it just wasn't meant to be. Then they met this precious little baby named Summer, and their lives were changed forever. They even took a few pictures of our visit that day, pictures that I now treasure. They went home after that weekend feeling that life just wasn't fair, but knowing that God was in control.

My birth mother, Susan, already had 2 boys and she gave them both up for adoption. She later said that she just couldn't raise us with the life that she led. I can't express enough the love I have for the unselfish choice she made. That choice allowed me to have such a blessed life and she gave two of the most loving, wonderful people a chance to be parents. I've had a lot of people expect me to be mad at her decision, including her, with the thought that I must hate her for not wanting to raise me. I actually have so much love for her because I can't imagine what my life would've been like if I hadn't had such wonderful parents. What a precious gift she gave to me and to my parents.

So, a couple of months after that special visit, my Mom got a call asking if they would like to have me. My Mom couldn't even speak because she was crying so hard. She had been dreaming about me ever since that visit. She would pray, "Lord, do I dare dream? Just please keep her safe." Our story is just proof that the Lord does answer our prayers and sometimes he gives us more than we could ever dream possible.

I was staying with my Aunt Barbara at the time. I was sick and malnourished. My Mom came to meet with Susan, to hopefully have her sign the papers, and take me home. Her and my Dad were so broke, they had to borrow money just to hire a lawyer. They had absolutely nothing for a baby, but none of that mattered because they had love, and that's all I needed. That night when she got there, I was so fretful. At first, she didn't want to pick me up because she knew if she did, she'd never let go. She just couldn't stand it anymore though, and she scooped me up and sang to me and rocked me. I can imagine how it must have felt to me. I think I was reunited with my angel. God's plan was working out perfectly. My angel was singing to me, and I snuggled up in her arms.

The next day, Susan came to sign the papers. She handed me over and said, "Here's your new Mommy." That night, as my Mom changed my diaper, she began to call me by my new name, Kristin. She said, "Kristin, your Mommy loves you so very much." It was at that moment that I spoke my first word, "Mama."

I was thirteen months old at the time. It was September. I was officially adopted on Good Friday of the next year. What a beautiful day that was for my parents. As the judge declared that I would forever be known as their child, my Mom exclaimed, "That's It? She's really ours?!" Everyone laughed. What a joyous day!

I grew up so very loved. We never had a lot of money, but what we lacked in material possessions, we made up for with love. My Mom taught me to trust in the Lord for all things. She taught me that we cannot question Him, that we must always have faith and He will take care of us. That was the best, most treasured lesson that she ever taught me. And of course, I was a Daddy's girl, as all little girls should be. My Dad is such a gentle soul, so loving and caring, yet also the strongest man I've ever known.

I went on to graduate from High School, where I met my future husband. We dated all through my college years and I earned my degree. I began working and we planned our wedding. My wedding day was so hard on my parents. They had spent over 20 years devoting their lives to their little girl, and now it was time to let her go.

It was only 3 months after we got married that we found out we were having a baby! When I told my Mom, you would've thought she had won the lottery, she was so excited! She was there with me when I delivered my own baby girl, and that was so special since she had never given birth herself.

When M was a year old, we moved closer to my parents and my Mom started keeping her for me while I worked. Two years later, I had K. Just when you think life couldn't get any more perfect, sometimes the Lord has other plans. My Mom's Birthday was coming up and we had made plans to go out to eat, but she told me her shoulder was killing her and she just didn't think she could go. We both thought it was strange that she hurt so badly, since she didn't remember hurting her arm. I tried to convince her to get it checked out at the ER, since it was Saturday, but she said she'd feel silly waiting there all day just for a shoulder ache. On Sunday, she called to tell me she just couldn't keep the girls on Monday. She asked me if I was mad at her. I said, "No Mom, I'm not mad." Then we hung up the phone. Those were the last words I spoke to my precious angel. I didn't even tell her I loved her, although I know she knew that I did. She was lying in her bedroom dying, and all she cared about was messing up my work plans. That was so typical of who she was. She always cared about everyone else before herself.

In the middle of the night, she was rushed by ambulance to the hospital. It's been four years and I still can't bring myself to ask my Dad the details of how he knew she needed help or what happened that night. He called me to tell me she only had a 50/50 chance of survival. I heard the words, and I knew in my heart what they meant. I jumped up to get dressed. I saw her Birthday gifts all neatly wrapped that I would never get to give her. I rushed to the hospital. I saw her move her arms as I told her I was there, and I hope she really knew that I was there with her. She never regained consciousness and I never got to tell her Goodbye. I think the Lord knew that neither one of us would have the strength to tell each other Goodbye. We loved each other too much.

She had pneumonia, which spread to her bloodstream, and caused her to go into septic shock. The next day was her Birthday. We prayed that she would live to the next day and she did. She died the day after her Birthday. She was my Mom for almost exactly 27 years. Her birthday was on 9/27. I was 28 when she died. She died on 9/28. God let her be my Mom just long enough to raise me and see that I would be okay, and then he took her home to be with Him again. Only it's so hard to be okay without her.

My Dad has since remarried. I had another baby, L. Life has gone on, but it has definitely been a struggle. I always identified myself as being her daughter. I was adopted, I was special. My parents were the best in the world. Even after I married, I still spent all of my time with them that I could. For the past four years, I've been trying to realize I'm now the Mom. My identity has changed from being a daughter, to being a Mom of my own precious girls. I think that no matter how old we get, we never stop needing our Moms. It's hard coming to the realization that there will be no one else in the world that will ever love me as much as she did.

I lost a lot the day that I lost my Mom. The old Kristin died that day too. Everything changed for me. I lost my Mom, my best friend. Because I couldn't bear to put my kids in daycare, I immediately quit my job, so I also lost my independence, my professional identity, and my work friends. We had been building a house at the time, and my Mom never got to see it completed. We moved into it and spent our first holiday without her. Slowly I began to realize that she was not coming back. One day as I was feeling sorry for myself, I happened upon a framed collage of pictures that my Mom had given M to hang in her room. On the back she had written to M about how strong my faith was. It was as if she was reminding me that if I leaned on Him as she had taught me, that it would be okay.

These past four years truly have been wonderful. I have everything I ever dreamed of. A wonderful husband, three beautiful daughters, a Dad who is happy and taken care of, a nice home to live in. I could not ask for more, yet I can't help wishing that my Mom were still here to enjoy it with me. She wrote me the story of my adoption, so that I would always know how wanted and loved I was. I treasure her words so much, and when I feel like I need to just hear her voice one more time, I read my story. It's as if I can hear her whispering each word in my ear and I can feel her love jumping off the pages. At the end of my story, she tells me that one day after she's gone, if I read my story and a tear should fall, to always remember that she is never any further than right here in my heart.

The tears are falling, Mom, but I feel you. My heart aches, but I know you're there. You're there every time I say something to my girls that sounds just like you. You're there every time I pray to the Lord that you taught me to love. You're there every time I tell my girls about their Meme. I feel you there smiling with me during the fun times. I feel you there comforting me during the bad. You're always there Mom and you always will be, until we meet again........

I love you and I will always be so proud to be your daughter.