Do you ever have one of those days where you just look at your life and you have no idea what you're doing, what you're supposed to be doing, where you're going, etc? It's like, one day you thought you were on the right track and had it all figured out, and the next day, you just have no clue.
Well, that's me lately. I don't normally like to whine on my blog, but sometimes it just helps, you know?!
I'm just having a hard time lately with wanting to go save the world, but also knowing that I am responsible for three little girls and I can't just leave them to go fulfill my own dreams.
Just like the resale shop that I talked about the other day. Thank you so much to everyone who was so supportive and encouraging, but I have to tell you that I felt a little silly after getting so excited about it. I mean, it wasn't very realistic for me to think that I'd be able to take something of that magnitude on when I have 3 girls at home for the Summer and will still have a 3 year old at home even when school starts. My heart wants to run over there and spend however long it takes to get it going, but the reality is that no matter how much I wish I could, I can't. It's times like these that I realize how little of a support system I have. Morgan, of course, is always supportive of me and my crazy dreams, but he does have a full-time job and a small business to run. It's times like these that I really, really miss having my Mom around. She was always there for me and she would've been my biggest cheerleader for something like this resale shop. She would've said, "Bring those girls over and go meet with that Director right now!" But sadly, I just don't have anyone else in my life like that anymore and I don't think I ever will.
My Mom and I used to talk about me becoming a stay-at-home Mom. In fact, we had that very conversation a few weeks before she died. She said I would never regret it and she's right. I can't imagine ever going to work for someone again. I love being at home with the girls and not having to worry about how they're going to get to their dance classes or what I'm going to do if one of them gets sick. But, my Mom also used to tease me that I'd never be happy staying home all the time and she was so right. Being at home all the time is isolating, it's boring, and I never pictured myself as a maid and a housekeeper and I really hate cooking! I used to try to pretend that I didn't mind that role, but I'm just going to be honest.....I hate it! It's so unfulfilling. I try to tell myself to be greatful that I have a house to clean and food to cook, because I sound like a spoiled brat, but it's just not how I envisioned my life. It's certainly not what I graduated from college for. It has nothing to do with the girls, because I love spending time with them, but I guess it has more to do with how everyone else views me, which I know I shouldn't be concerned with, but I can't help it.
I thought maybe going to church would help, but last Sunday I didn't even want to go to church and I didn't. In fact, I was feeling horrible all night Saturday and I think it was just anxiety because it is so hard not feeling like you fit in anywhere. When Lynnette asked today in her post if you ever feel like people just don't "get you", I could so relate to that. If only I could package all of you up and move us all to the same town, I would have it made!
Thank goodness that I have faith that the Lord has something planned for me. I will patiently keep waiting until that plan is revealed. I will never give up hope that He has big plans in my future. I love my girls with all of my heart, but I also know that the best thing that I can do for them is to be confident, happy, and take care of myself so that I can be the best Mom that I can be for them.
Does anyone else ever feel this way?
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7 comments:
Oh my gosh! I can SO relate, Kristen! Trust me, I have pretty big dreams just like you do. All you have to do though is go after them. Honestly, I didn't think you sounded silly at all about your post about the resale shop. It's just a dream like everybody else has. I think it's good to express what you are wanting to do. Afterall, if you just click to my blog you can see what I am wanting to do. :0)
P.S. I feel pretty silly when people read my blog and they most likely see the discription. I'm afraid that people think it's just something that I daydream daily about; but it's not. You're not the only one who feels silly, so hang in there! :0)
I think we all feel this way sometimes.. I know I struggle even today with "what is my purpose really."
For the past several months, I've been struggling with some serious axiety. Over nothing. I know being pregnant doesn't help but I just didn't feel peace about anything..
I knew what I had to do. So I got out The Word and it felt so unfamiliar to me because I hadn't been reading it like I should. But I've been reading for over a week straight every night and I can't tell you the peace that God has returned to me.. just in general. "His word does not return void." And it's so true.
I think you need to get yourself a good women's devotional book.. and read it along with your bible. I can suggest one.. it's amazing. It's called, "The bathtub is full but I feel drained.. defeating Mommy stress." I have learned so much about being a godly mom from this book.
My last bit of advice.. get plugged into a good church! Come visit my church! You don't live far from me! You would love it and so would your girls!
Blessings my friend!
I too have days like this! I really think it is a stay at home mom thing. But I do totally agree with your mom's amazing words. I wouldn't change it.
Thinking about you and sending prayers your way!!
Kristin,
I can relate to what you have written here today so much. I believe with all of my heart that God has plans for my life beyond staying at home with my children, even though I would not have that any other way. I feel a call on my life to minister and speak and write. But the everyday calling of my household comes before that in my life now. I can see how fast time goes as I have watched my children grow up and I know that soon they will be grown. There will still be so much time to venture out in other things when that happens and I will have gotten the best of both worlds. Time is fleeting! The itch you feel is God dreaming inside of you. But He always gives us a vision before the manifestation of it comes to pass. Enjoy the time you are in now and learn the lessons of His character and love now so that you are able to take what you have learned into the next chapter of your life when it comes. It will come so much faster than you think!
I hope I encouraged you!
Christy
Oh, Kristin! You are helping people right now with your blog. You can stay at your house and still let people know about worthwhile places like the resale center. Do they need someone to do a newsletter or to manage an online site? To do publicity?
And yeah, cleaning toilets gets old, but spending time with your kids only lasts a short short while. You don't know how quickly the time will fly. You can't get it back, either. The Lord will keep good things on the back burner for you. He may even make a way for you to help right now. And you know what to do. Wait patiently. And sneak in lots of extra hugs while you have the chance.
Kristin...you know I can relate to every single thing you said here.
I think as SAHM's we have the toughest job ever! It's so much easier to go to a job and let someone else watch your kids. There are so many moments that are just not that wonderful, but at the same time, there are a ton of awesome moments that I wouldn't trade for anything!
I really wish I lived closer so that I could offer you more support than just an email. I'm going to continue to pray that the Lord will show you what it is that He wants you to do. I know He has something special in store for you!
Love you lots!!!
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