Today, I am disappointed in myself.
I am in a mood.
I don't know what to do or where to go from here.
I didn't go to church today. Part of me didn't feel well, because I woke up in the middle of the night with stomach problems.
Part of me just thought to myself, "does anyone really even care if I go to church?"
I could've went. The girls were up. I was up. But, I chose not to go.
I'm not sure why.
I think I'm just discouraged because I still haven't figured out where to go.
Next Sunday is Easter, and I feel like I don't belong.
I was hoping to find a church and get to know some people before Easter, but that didn't happen.
I'm just discouraged, I guess.
This week, I've just felt alone. I went through several weeks of God being present everywhere I turned. Then, all of a sudden, I couldn't feel Him anymore. Of course, I know He's still there, but I just don't have any idea what His purpose is for me.
Why can't I seem to get motivated to get my house organized again?
Why can't I seem to get motivated to start on my business again?
Why didn't I go to church today?
What is my purpose?
I used to think I had it all figured out. I was a working Mom. I had purpose. I was a professional. I had my degree, I had a job I loved, I had my precious girls, I had a great Mom, a great marriage, a nice home. I was fulfilled with my work, good with my girls, the house was always clean and organized, we did fun things together on the weekends.
But when my Mom died, I felt like I lost my purpose. I was no longer an independent, working woman. I didn't have that adult interaction anymore. I didn't have that fulfillment that comes from completing important tasks. Of course I have purpose in being a Mom, and I feel guilty that sometimes for me, that's just not enough. I don't mind cleaning, doing laundry, cooking, etc., but I never imagined that those things would be my sole purpose in life.
I am a person who thrives on challenges. My entire life has been one challenge after the other.
First it was high school, then college, then marriage, then babies, then.........
Now What?
It's like I don't know what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life. Just keep the house cleaned, cook, and make sure the girls get to where they're supposed to be? That doesn't seem challenging enough for me. I know God must have some bigger purpose for me in mind. I just don't know what it is yet.
Don't get me wrong......if my sole purpose in life is to be the best Mom I can be to my girls, then that is fine with me. They are the best thing about my life. I know part of my purpose is to raise them to love Jesus and have a relationship with Him. I guess I just feel like I'm failing already at doing that. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself. I just hate that I can't get motivated and I seem to be only doing the minimum to get by. That's not who I am. I'm the person who says if you can't do it right, then don't do it at all. Maybe that's my problem. If I can't do something perfectly, I don't even want to try. I'm setting myself up to fail, because there's no way I can do everything perfectly.
For a long time, I think I hid behind my fear. In some ways, it sheltered me. I didn't have to step out of my comfort zone and try new things. Now that I no longer have that fear (Praise God!!), it's time to figure out what to do with my newfound independence.
My head is spinning at the possibilities! I just don't know how to get started and I seem to be stuck. Does anyone else ever feel this way? Do you have any advice for how to get me out of my rut that I seem to be in?
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4 comments:
Oh Kristin, you're not alone. I think that what you're experiencing is a normal thing for anybody. God has been blessing your life so much that normal days probably seem a little "blah". It does take effort to keep the perspective right and the excitement alive.
I have many days when I feel like I should be doing something else...something more. I have days where I don't feel God either - but usually those are the days that I've slacked in my devotion to my Lord. The days when I don't read my bible or pray tend to be those days when I feel like a dud.
God's word is powerful and alive and is the very thing that livens our spirit. Dedicate yourself to him and then he will bless you with joy, peace, contentment and complete satisfaction.
Try spending 15 minutes of devoted time, alone with the Lord. Read something that will be easy to pull something from like Philippians, James, or Ephesians - then pray and ask God to speak to you...to work in your life.
Hebrews 11:6 says, "But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him."
God wants you to diligently seek him - and he will reward you for doing it! Go and read this blog of mine again. Maybe it will help you get out of your rut.
A Blissful State
Thanks for sharing Kristin. I hope that this was an encouragement to you. Hang in there! You're really not in an unusual place - we're all there at times.
Love,
Lynnette
Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground
My dear and precious friend,
I am sorry that you are having a difficult time today. TRUST me...we've all had days like the one you've had. I know that I have. Don't be too hard on yourself, Kristin. God is not finished with you yet friend. You are right...there are so many possibilities, but there's only one plan for your life and God holds the answer to that. I must share with you that the dream that was revealed not too long ago to Dirk and I was totally the Lord's doing. It's a dream that seems impossible to come to fruition. However, I know that it will come. It may be this year...it may be 5 years from now, but I know without a doubt that it will come true because the Lord clearly told us it would. I am a person of perfectionism too! Trust me on this too. This is sometimes not a good trait to have. We can get ourselves into a lot of trouble with staying in a rut because our plans, thoughts, and activities didn't turn our perfectly.
I have more to say, but I will send you an email instead.
Hang in there girl and most of all, know that you are NOT alone and please also know that there are many people who do care that you are in church.
Look for an email from me later tonight.
Love,
Daphine
Wow, you've already gotten some very good wisdom from these ladies here. I am sorry you are covered with such fear and anxiety. I am praying right now that God will strip that away and cover you with His peace that passes all understanding. Rest in the knowledge that You are His child, and He wants nothing more than to love you and provide for you.
Very interesting to read this and see your posts about church, God and your life now. Isn't God good. We are alike, and I know I say this often, in our need to 'challenge' in our life. I say it this way - I always want to be working on a faith project! You are amazing. You are sincere. You are transparent and you are someone who doesn't want to settle for complacency in life and I LOVE YOU FOR THAT!
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