The Power of Prayer

If you would like to join me in a walk down memory lane, please click on the picture above.

I thought I would choose to talk about something that I could use a prayer for, because who better to pray for me than my Memory Lane friends!

Before we moved to Baytown, Texas (where I still live), we used to live in Joshua, Texas. We attended a wonderful little Baptist church called Calvary Chapel. I used to sing solos in church, my Mom volunteered her time in the office, and it was like a second family to us. I remember one year, I went to Latham Springs church camp. I think I was about 10 or 11. It was so much fun! I was saved at church camp that year. I remember calling my Mom on the phone to tell her. I was so excited, that I had that giddy feeling that you get when you know you've just experienced something that will change your life forever.

The best gift my Mom ever gave me was to teach me about Jesus and faith. However, when we had to move to Baytown when I was 13, we had a hard time finding a new church. We did attend one for awhile, but my Mom had many health problems when I was growing up and we all eventually quit going. I was in High School, then on to College, and both my Mom and I wanted to go to church, but we just never did. Then I got married and had kids. My faith never left me and I continued to pray and have a strong relationship with the Lord, but I allowed myself permission to not attend church because I was just too busy. I know, it's horrible!

Then my Mom passed away and I flat out got mad at the Lord. I told Him so too. I asked Him how could He let that happen? After about a week of trying to make it without Him, I knew it was impossible. I had never needed Him more in my life than I did at that point.

Before my Mom died, she asked me if I was concerned that my husband wasn't saved. I really wasn't at the time. I was too young to think about death and I had never experienced someone that close to me dying. Also, I guess everyone that had died that I cared about was saved. I just never really thought about it. My husband was a wonderful man (still is), and I just didn't worry about it back then.

Well, like a lot of people who struggle through grief, I turned to the Lord for help. I don't tell a lot of people this, but shortly after my Mom passed away, I started having extreme anxiety. Not panic attacks, but episodes where I would get physically ill if I had to do anything that was out of my comfort zone. I've always been shy, but this was different. Just to get in a car and travel into Houston (about 40 minutes away) became out of the question, because I would start getting panicky and feel sick. Remember last week's post about my road trip I took with my Mom and how I got sick during it? Well, all of a sudden that started happening any time I had to go somewhere. I still have a hard time with doing anything that may cause anxiety.

I don't even remember how I got the idea to start blogging. But, it opened up a whole new world to me! I have been struggling these past few years with wanting to go to church and feeling an overwhelming need to be closer to the Lord. Because my husband is not a Christian and was not brought up that way, he just doesn't have the same desire. I worry about that every single day of my life, and I feel responsible for him. When I started blogging and I was introduced to all of these strong, Christian women, I was just amazed! I want to be just like them. I want to know my Lord better. I want to know the scriptures. Most of all, I want my girls to know Him. I want to teach them to have a relationship with Him, just like my Mom did for me. I want to give them that gift. If I do not do that, then I will consider myself a complete failure.

I now realize that the events of the past few years have had their purpose. I have this overwhelming, all-consuming need to be in church, to study the bible, and to become a strong Christian woman. I want the Lord to use me in whatever ways He needs me. I want to be His faithful servant. But, this anxiety that I have keeps holding me back. I've promised myself so many times that I'm going to get up on Sunday and go to church, and I have a few times, but it's just really, really hard for me. Satan seems to be winning this battle. He's telling me that if I go, I won't fit in, I'll feel stupid for not knowing the bible, I'll get sick and have to leave in the middle of the service, etc, etc.

I have prayed and prayed about this, but I have allowed the fear to win. So, forgive me if in the midst of my walk down memory lane, I ask all of you to please pray for me. For me to announce to the world about my anxiety is almost horrifying to me, but I'm doing it because I truly believe in the power of prayer. I knew immediately when I found Lynnette's blog, that she was placed in my life as an answer to my prayers, not only to help me with my grief, but to also help me in my journey to know Him better. Thank you so much, my friends, for allowing me to get this out in the open and to ask you for your help. I truly believe that it will change my life, and more importantly, my husband and my children's lives.