Six Years

I just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone for your sweet comments the past few days, on here and on facebook. I started out the days so sad and then they ended up being great days, because I just felt so loved. The one thing I missed more than anything and the Lord sent it right my way. So, thank you so, so much!

I just saw on facebook today that JJ Heller just premiered the official video for "What Love Really Means", so I thought I would share that. How funny since I just posted it the other day!


It's amazing how much things have changed in the past six years. I know I've said many times that my Mom dying is what led me back to the Lord and if that hadn't happened, I don't know how things would have turned out. That almost sounds like she wasn't close to the Lord or something, like she was keeping me from Him, and that couldn't be further from the truth. In our house growing up, talking about the Lord and faith and how His plan is always perfect.......well, that was just second nature. There was no option not to believe. There was never any other way. And I am so glad that I grew up like that. Yes, we drifted away from the "church", but we never drifted away from having a relationship with the Lord.

When I say I was led back to the Lord, what really happened is just that I started yearning to understand truly who He was/is. I grew up knowing what I believed, but not really understanding why I believed it. I had just gotten to the point that I had let life get in the way and hadn't made Him a priority in a long time. I didn't even realize what I was missing. It wasn't until a friend told me that she didn't believe Jesus was the only way that I began to wonder why I truly believed that He was.

So, I simply asked Him. The awesome thing about prayer is that you can ask Him anything and He will answer! I just asked Him to show me who He is. I just wanted to understand why I believed, and why He is the only way. I found that sometimes asking the Lord such a simple question can change your whole life!

From that moment forward, I began to experience a love like I had never experienced before. It was as if Jesus Himself was taking my hand and leading me to every single book, scripture, article, blog post, song lyrics, TV show, etc. that would answer my questions. It wasn't "like" He was doing that; He truly was. There is such truth to the scripture that says seek and you shall find. The Holy Spirit was always there, just waiting for me to listen and follow. And JJ's song is so true.......He loves us for exactly who we are, no matter what we have done (thank goodness!).

The interesting thing about it is that this absolute truth that I was being shown, that Jesus is the only way, it wasn't something that I was brainwashed into believing. It wasn't something that someone I admired said and so I believed it. It wasn't something I learned at church, because I wasn't even going to church at the time. It was something I was intimately shown through Christ Himself. I just learned that without a doubt, Jesus is the key. You can believe in this God that sits up in Heaven your whole life, but if you truly want to know Him, the only way is to know Jesus. I am no bible scholar. I just know what I know because I have experienced His love firsthand.

It was so amazing how much my heart and my desires changed during that time. I used to totally make fun of people who listened to Christian music all the time. And I thought those people who always had to talk about Jesus were just annoying. I thought all church people were just hypocrites who lived one way on Sunday, and a different way the rest of the week. I thought that because I had experienced it firsthand and I still experience it. But, I have learned that we can't give up on God just because His people sin. People will let you down, but He never will.

It's so funny to me now how much I love Christian music. I had no idea that Christian music could sound just as good as popular music. I thought all Christian music was slow, gospel music. I began to love it though, because it was the best way I knew how to truly express the love I was feeling for the Lord at that time. I just felt this overwhelming love and the only way I knew to communicate that was through singing praises. I know that might sound so corny, but it's true. It took me by surprise too. I can assure you that I don't listen to it because I think I should, or for appearances, or anything like that. I just truly love it. And that's a lot coming from a girl who used to listen to Tool and Marilyn Manson every day. I say that I never drifted from my relationship with the Lord, but I guess now that I think about it, I did drift pretty far away there for awhile.

The other thing I began to have this overwhelming desire to do was to read every single Christian book that I could. I wish I could say that I had an overwhelming desire to read the bible. But, I found that if I could read books where someone could take scripture and interpret them for me and help me to understand them, it just was much easier for me than going at it alone. I think I have read 40-50 Christian books, all non-fiction, in the past 2 years. I have always loved to read, but that is crazy. I don't know what the Lord is trying to show me or prepare me for, but I haven't lost interest yet, so I'm still going at it.

And when I started going to church, the enemy immediately started with his lies about how I wasn't doing anything worthwhile and there was nothing I could offer. And driving down I-10 one night, as I was asking the Lord to show me what I could help the church with, my thoughts were completely interrupted as the Lord Himself spoke to me. Now, before this, if anyone had told me that I would hear the Lord speak to me, I would've laughed in their face. But, I can say without a doubt, that I know it was the Lord. It wasn't an out loud voice, but it was a voice I heard and I knew Who it was. And it said, "Your Mom would be so proud of you. I am proud of you." I will never forget that as long as I live. And no, I'm not crazy and I don't hear voices in my head!

So, after six years, I know that my Mom would be so proud of how far I've come and how far our family has come! I know without a doubt where she is. I know that she would not choose it any other way, given that she is with Jesus right now! And, there is no point in wondering if she can see what's going on down here or if she watches over me or can look down on me, because my life is just a vapor. The years I have left on earth will pass in the blink of an eye, compared to the eternity that we will all have together in Heaven. So, I shouldn't be sad and feel like she just left me, because she knows that it will just be a moment and we will be together again.

I know that I am still here on earth because I am still a part of the Lord's plan and I still have work to do. I am not here to carry out my own plans and hope that the Lord will bless them. I am here, standing in faith, and knowing that the Lord has His own plans for me and I am praying that I will be obedient in carrying them out!