I Don't Have to be Strong

You know, I struggled for 5 long years with debilitating anxiety. Have you ever had a hangover? You know, you wake up the next morning and have to go somewhere and feel like you are about to die. It's kind of like having the stomach flu. Well, that is how my body feels when I have anxiety. I don't get panic attacks, I get physically ill. And for 5 years, I felt like that pretty much every single day. Doesn't sound like much of a life, does it?

So, for all of those years I struggled. I prayed so hard. I begged the Lord to release me from it. I tried REALLY hard. I thought if I could just focus, and mentally prepare myself, try not to think about it, and just force myself to endure, maybe I would be strong enough to overcome it. That didn't work. Because I wasn't strong enough.

I was thinking last week how much better I've been feeling lately. I rarely get anxious anymore. As I was thinking about that, I felt like the Lord was showing me something. I began to ask myself what was different now, from the prior 5 years. And what I realized was that I haven't gotten any stronger, but what I did do was give it all over to the Lord. I told Him that I simply could not do it anymore, I was not strong enough. You see, I think a lot of teachings out there try to convince us that if we are having problems, it's because we don't have enough faith, or pray hard enough, or believe passionately enough. But, that's just not true. What I learned is that it is only when you turn it over to the Lord and quit trying to do it on your own, that He can work. Because when we try to do it in our own strength, we are trying to be our own savior and what we are saying is that we've got this, that we don't need the Lord to help us.

I hate that my Mom had to die, but I love that what the Lord did was cause me to see that I could not do this on my own. Me being able to do anything beyond simply functioning, depended on relying on Him. I love how He completely changed who I am. He broke me completely apart and molded me into an entirely different person.........a weaker person who daily has to make a choice to rely on His power. A person who doesn't have to pretend to have it all together anymore. So much of the anxiety was trying to hide that I had anxiety and being ashamed that I was losing control. Now, when I get ready for a big event, I don't try to psych myself up for it, I simply get ready, head out the door and tell the Lord that I'm trusting Him to carry me in my weakness.

So, we went to church on Sunday and all I knew was that our sermon was going to be on "identity theft." I was completely amazed when the entire sermon was on this very idea that the Lord had just spoke to me about the week before!! In fact, I had been meaning to write a post on it all, but just never had time. So, I just couldn't believe it! I felt like the Lord was saying, see, you're on the right track now! Don't you just love it when that happens?!!

I will be back later to let you know what I learned during that sermon. It was such a great one, that was based on the lie that "I have to be strong." When my Mom died, that is exactly what I told myself. I have to be strong. I have 2 small kids. I have no other choice. I have to do this. I have to be everything to everyone. I have to take care of my Dad. No one else will do it if I don't. It's not okay to grieve. It's easier for everyone if I just pretend I'm okay, that way no one has to deal with me or feel uncomfortable. And, when my Dad moved away and I never saw or heard much from him again, I told myself that it was okay. He has a new family now and no need for his old one. But, I was not okay. I felt abandoned by my Mom and abandoned by my Dad. Abandoned by them in the same way that I was abandoned by my biological family as an infant. And so angry. I was not strong enough to deal with everything I had to deal with at that time. And I am just now realizing that I don't have to be.