Call me Crazy!

Do you ever have one of those days where something is just weighing heavily on your heart, you can't get it out of your mind, and you feel like you're going crazy with all the thoughts swirling around in your head?

I suggested to my small group that we look into getting Francis Chan's "Crazy Love" small group study to start next, and I am very excited that we are going to do it! I love his book, because it really challenges you to think about how you are living your life as a Christian. However, after picking it back up again this week to read through it, I remembered how stressed it made me the last time I read it.......especially the chapter that asks you to take a good hard look at yourself to see if you are a lukewarm Christian.

I read the bullet points on being a lukewarm Christian and I am disgusted with myself for not doing enough, for not being enough. I don't want to just call myself a Christian. I want to be radical. I want to be crazy. Anything less is just not enough. Yet, what have I done thus far? Nothing, really. I preach to the choir on my little blog and post some things to think about on facebook every now and then, which I'm convinced has people going, "what is up with her?" I go to church and bible study. Big deal. I want to make a difference in this world, not just live my life and hope someone along the way is positively influenced by it.

Now, do you think this is what the Lord is telling me or what the enemy wants me to believe? The last time I got down on myself about not doing enough, the Lord literally spoke to me. Not through someone's blog or through a quote in a book. He literally interrupted my negative conversation that I was having with myself about how horrible of a Christian I was, and said "Your Mom is proud of you. I'M proud of you." So, that leads me to believe that the enemy would love nothing better than for me to give up and believe there's no point because I am just not good enough.

But, instead of remembering this and stepping back and calming down, I continued today to allow the enemy's lies to make me feel like maybe I'm just a phony. Maybe I just like talking about how much I love Jesus, but maybe I really don't know Him. Maybe I'm not even saved. Maybe I'll have a devestating surprise waiting for me when I die, and the Lord will say that I only said "Lord, Lord" but didn't truly know Him. Oh my goodness.......even typing this out, I can see how absolutely ludicrous these lies are! The Lord Himself told me how proud He was of me! He shows me daily in a million different ways that He loves me. I can only imagine how much it hurts Him that I allow these thoughts to even enter my mind.

I can only describe this as a type of warfare. The enemy will always attack when he knows something wonderful is happening for God's kingdom. I have been praying that He will not allow these thoughts to even enter my mind.

Then tonight, I was led to a blog that had a post that spoke to me on this subject. He said that it would be arrogant to think that God needs him, yet foolish to think that God won't use him. That was exactly what I needed to hear! He said, "we aren't needed by the God of the universe. However, we ARE His plan to change the world. Figure that one out..........."

How arrogant of me to think God would "need" me to do anything! But, how AWESOME to realize that He already has in mind the exact way He can and will use me in His plan to change the world!! He placed me where I am, so that I would seek Him. It is only because of Him that I will even draw my next breath. So, I was reminded that I don't have to figure out a way to save and conquer the world...........the Lord already has it all figured out and He will use me for His purpose. My job is to be obedient.

I guess the lukewarm part comes when the Lord tries to use you, or He puts you in a situation to serve or give, and you flat out tell him "No." If I am comfortable, enjoying my riches (because everyone in America pretty much is rich by the world's standards), caring more about what others think of me than God, constantly putting worldly things above Him, then I am lukewarm. I have lots of places where I most definitely am not trusting the Lord as I should. The fact that I have structured my life so that I really don't have to have faith in Him is something that I need to work on. But, I am glad that this is something that He is showing me and that He is urging me to grow in.

I don't want to do things for Him so that people will go, "Oh, how nice or how kind." I want to do these things simply because I believe it's what He has called us to do as Christians. I don't want to be one of those people who goes to church because I like my little church clique and it's fun to hang out with them. I want to go to church and be a part of something that welcomes other people just like me. I want to be the love that Jesus wants me to be to others. I want to be used to show the unlovable that Jesus loves them and always has. I want to be crazy in love with Him and I want that to ooze from every fiber of my being. I want it to permeate every single decision I make. I want to be obsessed with doing what He has called me to do. I want others to know Him and be transformed by His love. It's not about what I can do on my own, it's about what He can do through me if I choose to obey.

I am SO excited about my life!